This is a frustrating period in my life, I think. I always knew I would have a hard time with this whole post-doc period from when I first found out about it, but it’s even less fun than I expected. So, here’s my venting …
First, this pregnancy is SO frustrating. I am really starting to feel for people with chronic pain. Seriously, 3 months of near-constant pelvic pain that shows no signs of abating is awful. It doesn’t even matter how bad the pain is – I mean, usually it’s more like a 4 or a 5, not so bad, but for it to never go away … sigh. Who knows if I am going to ever have enough energy to think about having more kids. I seriously feel like I have been counting down every day of this pregnancy.
Second, we have been really lucky financially because I was always “working” – I mean, that graduate stipend was awesome. Even though I was really mostly a stay-at-home mom and working every evening and weekend was awful, we never had to really live like students. Until now, when, ironically, neither of us are students. It’s hard being a ward and neighborhood with pretty rich people and trying to squeeze 4+ people into a small 2 bedroom apartment. If we didn’t have a futon, I don’t know if we could do it. We can barely fit the futons and the crib in our room – in fact, you have to lift up the futons to completely open/shut the door, but it fits. And our budget is tight … we applied for financial aid at the preschool and with paying for preschool, we have a negative balance every month. I mean, we have plenty of savings just waiting for the day when we are finally settled and can buy a house, so it’s not really a problem. But I HATE living like this – just enough money for necessities. No money for saving for anything, including retirement. At least it shouldn’t be too much longer ….
And, finally, I still do not like St. Louis. We like the place itself – lots of festivals, fun free things to do, lots of nice scenery/hiking nearby, etc. But the people and us are just not a good fit. We live in a condo at the edge of a neighborhood of pretty rich houses. I think we have seen like 2-3 kids ever the entire time we have lived here, and we used to go on walks in the neighborhood every day. The kids usually find someone to play with at the park, but it’s just a one-shot deal, because all of the mothers/fathers/grandparents/nannies are either glued to their smart phones or there with a huge group of other friends and are not up to socialize. I joined a Washington University association last year in the hopes to make more friends, but mostly it was a whole bunch of Japanese women who did not speak very good English and were so formal it was impossible to get to know them (which is how Japanese people seem to me, in general). So, that was a fail. And I can’t really plan the toddler group anymore with a new baby coming, so who knows if I’ll bother going much anymore.
Our ward has also been a very bad fit. I’ve tried really hard to make friends. One issue is boundaries – ours are definitely the largest in the metro (ignoring the Spanish ward). And all the people with preschool children and babies live a good 15-20 minute drive from us, with some a good 30 minute drive away. It’s frustrating because play dates are hard. We have done like a handful of playdates the entire time we have lived here. And I don’t know what is the issue with our ward, but they never have Enrichment. I think I have gone to like 3 since we moved here – and granted, I didn’t go to many, but still. I am pretty positive they have had none over the summer, but hard to say, since they don’t make a single announcement in Primary, ever. Ever. So, even if there is something, you won’t know until a couple days before when they happen to email it out. And there is 0 socialization in Primary. We have separate junior/senior sharing times, so you don’t even seem most of the other Primary teachers either.
So, now, that I am done with my PhD and have more energy (ha ha ha), I decided to run a ward summer play group. Every week, I picked a park to play at, and purposely picked them all over our ward (which means, most are 15-25 minute drive from us). The first couple weeks, we had a big showing, but the last 4 weeks or more, we have had only 0-1 people showing. And the weird thing, I get all these emails/comments saying how wonderful it is I am planning this and trying to fellowship all the young mothers – and all of these people have NEVER come. I just don’t understand why people are completely uninterested in doing a mom’s group. I am trying to start up a book club with several other people, so hopefully that has more success. But, I am really at the point where I give up. I have never tried to make friends so badly and had so little success. And I am not a homebody – I really really need social interaction to survive being a stay-at-home mom. Sigh …
Well, I guess that’s it.
4 comments:
Couldn't read via RSS without stopping by and giving a virtual hug.
I know you knew (and were warned) that the post PhD phase is tough. But I think it is extra tough when (a) you are juggling the kids thing (b) you have an academic spouse and (c) you aren't in love with the place. It totally sucks.
Your ward is interesting if unsurprising. I think there is a tendency these days for Mormons to cluster in very specific neighborhoods. This means big ward with a very tight knit core somewhere. Breaking into that core is tough if you don't live there. I find this fascinating as a student of urban demographics but it is super frustrating is so many other ways - environmentally, schools, community, you name it.
One idea is to email the ward (or any of those ladies who said this was a good idea) and ask people to take turns planning it. When we lived in SF (which was an AWESOME ward by the way for younger kids if you ever have the opportunity), we had a yahoo group for park day. We rotated parks (even out of the ward boundaries but always in SF) each week. Usually there was one person informally in charge but that person often sent out an email 3 or 4 days before asking for help in choosing the park, etc and someone would step up.
I don't think it's post PhD I think it's post Ann Arbor. It kind of set you up for failure because socially it is just too good there. I feel ya.
I agree with the Ann Arbor comment. We had a hard time adjusting to post-Ann Arbor life as well. I feel your pain (the socializing, not the pregnancy)! Our area sounds similar to yours in that department. Miss you guys, don't give up!
I'm so sorry. I hope it doesn't bug you for me to say that I get it. I know what it feels like to plan things so you can meet/socialize and everything "feels" like they're coming but no one does...it's like pulling teeth to get a friend. I'm so sorry. I hate it. I hate hearing other people go through this.
And living like students. Agreed. It SUCKS! Right now you just have to concentrate on getting by. When Katsu is done, then you can save for retirement and all that other stuff. Squeezing is no fun either. Is there anywhere else you could move to that would even be convenient? Is your Bishop/Rs presdient aware of your finances? I would let them be aware. They can help. This is the first time we have had to pay for everything on such a small income and it's hard. Really hard. But I'm comforted in the fact that if we can't, we can ask for help.
I hope he comes "early" for you. not too early...but enough that he's fully baked and healthy and you can be done with the obnoxious pain. I usued to lay with my leg on about 3 pillows...but any movement killed my pubic bone area... I'll pray he gets his head out of there! :)
Hang in there...it'll get better. it has to.
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