And then he wakes up several times in the night. And I go in. And more often then not, he ends up nursing. I don't like nursing him at night - he's too old for it, in my opinion. But when I go in he puts his body totally vertical. He won't let me hold him. If I just go in and say hi, it makes it worse. If I just leave him, he will cry for over an hour - and we're both exhausted, as are the neighbors, I guess.
So, unfortunately, this pattern has continued basically all month. Katsu got home from Japan, but was pretty jetlagged and helped as he could. But within a week, he was gone again to Indianapolis. And then, he was home and helped, but today he left for San Francisco. And then he's home for a couple days before we leave to London. Leaving no time to even attempt sleep training, really. So, we are having a miserable month. Andrew wakes up pretty consistently twice a night and will scream for over an hour if you don't nurse him (which happened last night) and then just wake up every hour thereafter until you do nurse him.
I hate it - night nursings are totally making me depressed. Like baby blues that never goes away. Every night I just feel like a) a total failure of a mom for being able to figure out nursing or sleeping and b) how much I dislike being a mom and how this all is not worth it. I love Andrew. But I am not a huge fan of babies. I hate dealing (as I'm sure everyone does) with sleeping and eating issues. I am really really tired of nursing. And I am mostly just really tired. Andrew has only slept the whole night through without waking up like maybe 3 times his whole life. Even when sleep training was working well, he still woke up around 4:30 to eat. (That is his favorite eating time - any other breastfeeding is easier to get rid of). I was talking to a friend about Andrew's non-sleeping and she's like, "Weren't you the person who said you had to have 8 hours of sleep a night? How is that working?" Yes, that was me, and no, it's really not working, unless you count a very depressed Amanda.
So, here's to all the people who can have lots of babies and love it and still want to squash their little cheeks. And to all the people, who even the first few weeks, say it is definitely worth all the spitting up and night feedings and wakings and diaper changes. Because, I have never felt that way. Hopefully, by the time Andrew is sleeping and eating well (I'm thinking like 4 years old), I will feel like it was all worth it. But right now, not so much.
[pity party ending now]
7 comments:
Oh Amanda, I feel for you. I feel your pain and I am so sorry you are having to deal with this--and alone! My babies were both horrible eaters and sleepers--but not as bad as your little guy. It will get better. The baby stage is very very hard for me too. The first year is extremely difficult. I hope he sleeps through the night soon for you because that will make a world of difference. Hannah took 12-13 months to sleep through the night and I thought that was bad. Anyway, good luck and I'm sorry. :(
Hugs to you Amanda. I initially read this as I was pumping (my most hated mom duty - but one I have to do if I am to get my nonnegotiable without feeling guilty - getting out of the house at least 3 times a week by myself) on my last full day of being a single parent for quite a while (minus the occasional conference trip for J). It is hard. Very hard to do this when interrupting routines and doing it by yourself. I feel for you and hope it gets better. I'm going to leave some ideas, but know that the take home message is that it is hard to find something that works for you and your body. You haven't slept well in probably 18 months and that takes its toll.
So are you depressed because you lack sleep (very likely and somewhat difficult to overcome instantly) or because you are frustrated with night nursings (likely... but perhaps could be fixed with a bit of adjustment with both Andrew and your expectations)?
Now I'm six months behind you (so you can disregard all of this) and Martin sleeps in my room if not my bed (although it sounds like he is sleeping about as well as Andrew), but here is the thing from my perspective about night nursing for Andrew. 1st, sleeping through the night is clinically defined as 5 or 6 hours I believe. So these people who have babies that sleep 10-12 hours straight at 1 year are the exception, not the rule. In other words, your expectation that he is too old for night nursing might be off a bit. You can also try to offer substitutes of sippys, etc, but that 4:30 night nursing might be the last he gives up, at least at night. Why? That is when his sleep is lightest and your prolactin levels are highest. Andrew knows at some level that is when he gets the most milk with the least work. Particularly because he hasn't been that great of a solids eater to this point, he is going to compensate and these seems like a totally logical time to compensate.
I think you need two plans. One when K is gone and one when he is there. My advice when K is gone is to move A's crib into your room (or a bed into his), catch him when he is just waking up during those (hopefully only 2) nursings, suck it up, and plan for you to be in bed for 10 hours to make up for the wakings. It won't help with the sleep training, but it doesn't seem like that is sticking when K is gone anyways. It may get you more sleep. So give yourself permission to do what keeps you sane. Also, if putting him to sleep is a nightmare, why not try nursing him, putting him in crib, having a little reading light in there for you and do some research reading or whatever until he falls asleep. A good chunk of my research reading has happened this way on the really awful nights this past quarter.
When K is there, maybe you should make a goal of only doing 2 night nursings. Make those nursings as easy as you possibly can on yourself. I think you'll find if you can get a routine that is somewhat smooth, you'll be able to cope better and A's needs will be met and everyone will be happier. Have K bring A into your room and return him, particularly for that 4:30 nursing. If it helps, have K arrange your pillows, or bring in a rocking chair next to the bed for those times.
It will get better. Maybe not tomorrow or a month from now, but he will eventually start sleeping and eating better!
oh amanda...sleep deprivation can turn you into a different person.
I was going to come over today, but my car is in the shop. something about a recall so it doesn't start on fire. blah blah.
My dear friend Amanda,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Believe me when I say that I know how you feel. Just this morning I woke up after sleeping a total of three hours feeling like I was going to die soon for not having good sleep for 9 months. Two nights ago I had to let Samuel cry during the night and our neighbors either stomped on the floor or banged the wall. I couldn't tell because both our neighbors upstairs and next door do that from time to time. About a month ago we received a letter from the apartment office saying that we needed to take immediate action for "incesant crying after 10:00pm or further action would be taken"! The worst part is that he ends up waking up Daniel and then we have two kids wide awake at two in the morning! Oh, the joys of living in an apartment! Some nights are better than others though but it is still a challenge!
I just want to let you know that you are not alone! I know it sounds like a cliche, but it is so true! With Daniel, we had to let him cry and cry sometimes for hours, and when we started to not give in, the next night there was less crying and the next one there was even less until there was none, and it was heavenly, but it took a while.
Good luck with what you and just think that it will be better soon. It really will be and this will seem like no big deal :)
Let's get together soon. Lots of hugs to you Amanda.
Love,
Cynthia
Oh Amanda, you poor thing! I totally understand. Neither of my kids were good sleepers either. Why do you think Janelle is 3 1/2 years older than Spencer? I wasn't even ready for that infant/baby stage when Spencer was even born!
I hope from the bottom of my heart that things start to get better soon for you! Only mothers know the true value of sleep, right? Good luck!
Oh Amanda, I love your honesty! As I am reading your post I am listening to Jonas in the next room, wailing at the top of his lungs. We too are up all the time lately and tonight I'm trying something new: I'm not picking him up anymore. I go in every five minutes and tell him I love him and that it's time to go to bed and rub his back a bit and am out of there in 1-2 minutes. I bribed our upstairs neighbor with a basket of salami (her favorite), ten pairs of earplugs and a note telling her how wonderful she is and that this will hopefully be over soon. I was nursing, rocking, walking, talking, whatever it took to get him to sleep and all of it bites. I think putting a child to sleep is ironically one of the most exhausting things in the world. I'll add you to my prayers (that I'll be saying at midnight, 2 am, 4 am, 6 am....:) Love you!
Oh sweet Amanda, I too admire your honesty. It's more than ok to feel the way you do right now. You know now that it takes a lot more courage or what ever you want to call it to be "just a mother". Having a career outside of the home would be a piece of cake I think. I remember, just before Jared was born, crying to myself and wondering how I was going to do it one more time. I don't know what I would have done though if we had lived in an apartment. I never had to deal with that problem. Your friend that suggested the ear plugs and bribe basket I think hit on a good plan. It might help. Andrew is old enough to be weaned and you will just have to be consistant and do like she does going in and offering a glass of water or just a hug and back to bed. It may take a week but he will finally get the message that you are the boss and not him right now. He probably is confused now and thinking he is in charge. :) You must get more sleep honey and the only way to do that is to practice hard love. It will be harder on you and Katsu than it will be on Andrew but he will get the message if you are consistant. Don't start it unless you are really sure you can follow through and I guess the first thing you will have to do is bribe your neighbors or move out. :( I am so sorry honey but know you will be okay and I think you and Katsu are doing a wonderful parenting job. Andrew will not die if he misses out on nursing during the night and he will most likly eat a good breakfast when he gets hungry enough. Just be tough! Okay. I love you honey and do understand how hard it is.
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